VIII.XIX.MMXVI 👼

Little thing;

I can feel you there. I’ve got twice the appetite and half the energy. It breaks my heart that I don’t feel the enchantment that I’m supposed to feel. I am sorry…

I am sorry that this is the goodbye. I’m sorry that ill never get to meet you. You could have your father’s eyes, you could’ve have my nose and you could’ve have played with your big brother. We could make our own traditions, be a family but, little thing we meet again. I promise that the next time you are in the same realty as me; I will be ready for you.

Little thing, I want you to be happy. More than I want good things for myself, I want the best things for the future. Little things I want you to know that you weren’t a mistake but instead you having us as parents would be the biggest mistake, and I don’t want that for you. That’s why I can’t be your mother right now. I am still growing myself. It wouldn’t be right to bring a new life into a world where I am still haunted by ghost of the life I’ve lived.

I love you. Little thing, and I wish the circumstances were different. I promise I will see you again, and next time, you can call me mom.

It hurts because it mattered.

             -John Green 

Your life may have been short but it chnaged my life forever.

              -M.Lopez 

I keep myself busy with the things i do but every time i pause, i still think of you. 

My heart is so tired. 

         – Marcus ZuZak

I’m lying to your father.

I’m lying to you my little baby.

I’m lying to myself saying that this is easy.

I’m lying saying that I’m 100% sure that I don’t want to keep you.

I go through the day like nothing with a smile on my face trying to make it through the day with no worries. Then the night comes and you’re all I can think of and some how I cant contain me from crying. Thinking this is my decision, this is my decision and some how it feels like I’m not the one making it. Some how it feels like I want you, I want to see you and hold you. I want to see you play with your big brother. But them I remember I went through with your brother and how much pain I caused your brother for not making the right decisions. I’m sorry, I’m sorry and I will never get tired of saying it I’m sorry that you had to be the one to wake me up. I’m sorry that I have to learn from losing you; I wish I didn’t have to lose you. I wish I had more time but I’m sorry my little one. I promise that ill see you soon and things would be different. I love you and I’m sorry my little one.

How can I be so hypocrite? 

How can I continue to lie to myself? 

Trying to maintain healthy, trying to stay safe and keep you safe; knowing what I’m going to do in a few days. Some nerve I have to do this when I know that I’m going to hurt you at the end. I guess that’s just my body telling me that a part of me really wants to keep you but the other part knows I cant. I guess that’s just my heart being undecided.

Today I thought of you my little one. “I mean I think of you every night before bed and every morning” but today I looked down pretended that you were still there. You never seem to slip out my mind. It almost feels like my mind has become a broken record and so happens to have put you on repeat. I think of how you made me feel, I think of how pretty you would have looked, I think about how you made me see things so differently. My mind consumed of the single thought of you. I think of you was too much. Am I just being oblivious to what could come next? How can I miss you miss this much if you were only inside of me for a few weeks. I’m not surprise you change my life and broke my heart. I know that its time that will heal me and time is what will simply make me miss you a little less and learn to forgive myself. But I can’t seem to see every single possibility right now and I have no idea what awaits me, but dare if I don’t take the time to, never will I ever find myself letting go or forgiving myself.




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